Ever wonder what it would be like to get a professional family photo taken if every one of your family members had the same phobia of being touched by or in front of strangers? It would go a lot like this:
PHOTOGRAPHER: "OK, then, dad is T, mom is C, the newlyweds are Sean and Paisley? Great. We'll start with the ladies behind the men who will be sitting down. Get closer. Ladies, please stand on those blocks so you don't disappear behind your husbands. Get closer. Get closer. Get closer. C, feel free to adjust your block and help T straighten up. OK, a little closer. Maybe, like, you know, TOUCH your husbands' shoulders. With your hands. Good! Smile. Smile. Smile! Get closer. OK, well, let's try something else then. Husbands, can you stand behind the ladies? Get closer. Get closer. Sean, get closer to T and put your hands on Paisley's waist. That's not her waist. Now, T, put your hand on C's shoulders. Get closer. Get... No, well, can you at least angle your bodies towards each other then? And try not to rear your heads so far away from each other? Sean, tilt in towards Paisley. TILT. Get closer. Get closer. Hmm, well, let's try just each couple on their own for a minute. Sean, can you sit behind Paisley on that stool and wrap your legs around her? No, I don't mean THAT, but something... Get closer. Get closer. So can you two face each other, with your arms around each other's waists...? No? How about hold each other's hands? How about TRY to hold each other's hands? What about... Get closer. Get closer. Sean, are you in pain? Let's move on to the parents. Parents, can you do the same thing? No, it seems you can't either. Closer. Closer. Just a TINY BIT... T, your eyes... You have such a, um, PENETRATING look. Like you could see through walls or something. Try and smile. Nice smile, C! T, please smile like your wife. Smile. Smile? Oh, ha, yes, I suppose your father DOES sort of resemble an owl that's been given a suppository, Paisley, though I never would have thought of it quite like that. It's OK to blink, T. Do you need some air? Get closer. Get closer. Get closer. One last photo of you all together. Angle your... Closer. Closer. I hate to repeat myself but, can you all just take two more steps in so your family group is closer? Husbands, please put your hands on your wives' shoulders. Not around the neck, Sean. Closer. Closer. Closer. Now smile. Closer. Closer. OK, this is the last shot. Yes, T, I think that is a bar across the street."
hilarious. I was going to say this on FB, but then thought my mom might come across it--there was a family pic in which we were all instructed to wear either denim or chambray. This was, like, a decade ago, and the word "chambray" is still a flashpoint--either for rage or gut-busting laughter, take your pick. Also, the photographer instructed us to say "ooh aah ice" as a way to get a natural look on our faces? that can't be right, can it?
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